Which one is you?

Which one is you?

A rummage through the Girl on the River archives unearthed an old post about health and fitness Twitter stereotypes. I thought it might be fun to run it again and to add a couple at the end to bring it up to date. Can you recognise yourself?

1. The Caveman

This tweeter is All Man (even if she’s a woman). Tweets about heavy weights, even heavier muscles and, of course, the macho food that gives strength to the ultra-ripped body posing for the profile pic. Almost certainly on some form of paleo diet, it’s steak and greens and shifting tin all the way. Raaarrrrr!

Most likely to tweet: “Totally pumped after insane weights session and triple steak dinner!! Feeling STRONG!!!!!”

Least likely to tweet: “Cupcake? Don’t mind if I do.”

2. The Motivator

Come ON! Let’s GO! The Motivator – high-octane and full of oomph, vigour and AWESOMENESS – spurs everyone on to greater and stronger endeavours. Can’t help noticing that he (for it’s almost always a he) doesn’t say much about his own regime. Could he be all hot air?

Most likely to tweet: “What are YOU doing to make yourself fitter this weekend? Remember to make it AWESOME!!!”

Least likely to tweet: “Me? You want to know about what I’m doing? Ummm…”

3. The Happy Clappy

Life is endlessly positive in the world of this hippy-dippy, karmically-superior tweeter. Most days start with a round of inspirational quotes and from then on it’s happy-happy all the way. This tweeter is endlessly blessed. Her chosen form of exercise is yoga (the spiritual kind, naturally – none of your fitness yoga for this ethereal sort). But behind the screen, is she really in a state of dark misery, weeping into her herbal tea?

Most likely to tweet: “Your inner beauty is a blessing to those who meet you #peaceandlove”.

Least likely to tweet: “I hate everyone. Pass the gin #FML.”

4. The Foodie

For the Foodie, exercise is all about food. Workouts are logged by calorie count, and every hard-earned meal is closely described and invariably photographed. Never resorting to anything as crude as ready meals, this gourmand eats well and wants everyone to know about it.

Most likely to tweet: “Just a simple, post-workout dinner tonight: rosemary-infused poussin with confit d’escargots and home-made ravioli #simplepleasures”

Least likely to tweet: “There’s nothing in the fridge AGAIN. Oh well, I’ll just have some beans out of the tin #slob”

5. The Evangelist

In stark contrast to the Foodie, in the Evangelist’s world, the point about exercise is that it makes you morally superior. Couch potatoes are to be pitied and condemned in equal measure (especially if they’re fat). This tweeter wants you to know about every minute of exercise he or she does, especially if it’s early in the morning or late at night, and loves nothing better than a news item that proves how special sporty people are.

Most likely to tweet: “Kicked some ass in the gym, lovin’ the burn before dawn. Glad I’m not one of the LAZY ones eating muffins on the couch.”

Least likely to tweet: “Hey, whatever makes you happy.”

6. The Moaner

If it’s not the coach, it’s the rest of the team. Or the kit. Or the journey there. Nothing makes the Moaner happier than being unhappy. He or she is endlessly hard done by, and favours the passive-aggressive variety of tweet. Luckily Twitter is there as an outlet for the long list of complaints.

Most likely to tweet: “I wish Certain People would pull their weight. Another miserable session.”

Least likely to tweet: “Ah well, mustn’t grumble”.

7. The PR

Perpetually promoting something, but never quite getting round to admitting it, the PR is easy to spot. Each tweet is just a thinly disguised attempt to flog whatever the latest product is. Often strains credulity.

Most likely to tweet: “Long run this morning. Good job I was wearing my @magictrainers – they made me run like the wind!!!”

Least likely to tweet: “Can’t think of anything good to say about these lousy shoes. I know, I’ll pretend I went running in them.”

8. The Fisher

A little bit helpless and a big bit needy, the Fisher is after your compliments. Don’t be taken in by the constant self-deprecation; what this tweeter wants is validation and praise. And if you don’t play along, be warned. Flouncing is never far away.

Most likely to tweet: “Terrible session. I’m so useless. I’ll never make it as a runner/ rower/ human being.” (delete where applicable)

Least likely to tweet: “Hot damn! I was rocking it tonight. ”

9. The Show-Off

Anything you can do, the Show-Off can do better. This tweeter achieves extraordinary feats every day and never fails to tell the world about them. But with PBs to die for and challenges to envy, it’s hard to avoid a sneaking suspicion that behind the Twitter-facade, this is actually a lardy sloth whose only exercise is tapping away on a smartphone.

Most likely to tweet: “Smashed my running PB AGAIN. Another 3 minute mile!!! #awesome”

Least likely to tweet: “Exhausted after a trip to the toilet #hatethestairs”.

10. The Saboteur

One of the most sinister presences on Twitter, the Saboteur couldn’t be sweeter, but be warned. This tweeter’s main motivation is to stop everyone else from exercising. Swooping in as soon as anyone shows signs of weakness, the Saboteur will soon find you a reason to skive off.

Most likely to tweet: “You don’t want to overdo it – don’t want to get injured!! Anyway, isn’t it gin o’clock? Treat yourself!”

Least likely to tweet: “Man up and get your arse out for a run!”

11. The InstaTwit

This tweeter is ALL about the selfies. Rarely showing anything but the midriff, the Instatwit chooses his or her location carefully, for maximum light-flattery, and isn’t afraid to adopt a porn-star pose with clothing pulled down so far it’s… ewww. Obviously every picture is faithfully recorded on Instagram and filtered to within an inch of its life.

Most likely to tweet: “Abs looking hawt today. Just wait until I cut the water #absselfie #lovemyself”

Least likely to tweet: “Can’t hold it in any longer. Elasticated waist time #Ilovechipstoomuch”

12. The Bad Scientist

Why let the facts get in the way of a good tweet? This tweeter will repeat any old guff, and the weirder the better. Especially if it involves bizarre food or weight loss.

Most likely to tweet: “Did you know that looking at trees makes you fat? #fact #Ireaditonline”

Least likely to tweet: “I’ve got a massive crush on @bengoldacre #sciencerocks #sexynerds”

So, do you recognise yourself? I do, but I’m not telling which one is me; you’ll  just have to follow me to find out! Find me at @girlontheriver